Dear Dr. Jo: My New Work Advice Column
I have a secret confession. I’m a huge fan of advice columns.
Ask Amy, Dear Miss Manners, Dear Abby, Carolyn Hax, Asking Eric—you name it, I read them all. But more than that, I’ve always harbored a deep desire to start my own advice column, giving out advice in the arena I know best: leadership and work.
I’ve decided to make the dream a reality! And so, without further ado, I’m sharing my inaugural column with you.
I would love your support as I take this first foray into advice columning.
Please leave a comment below letting me know how helpful you think the advice is (or not) and what additional advice you might add. . .
And of course, if you have a work issue where I might be helpful, please send me an email with your question and I’ll answer it in follow-up columns.
Dear Dr Jo,
When my boss left, I was up for that promotion at work, but I didn’t end up getting it. Instead, the company chose an outsider with relevant experience. Now I’m torn. Is this a sign that I’ll never move up in this company and I should leave? Should I just stay for now and learn what I can from my new boss? It feels disheartening on many levels and I worry that my peers respect me less now that they know I was passed over. Another consideration is that we have young kids at home and depend on my income and I’m worried I wouldn’t even be able to find another good job for a while. Plus, the devil you know etc. might be better than what’s out there – at least now I have some flexibility in my work schedule. Can you help me decide what to do next because I just keep feeling like I am ping-ponging between different options and can’t tell what the smartest next move is?
-Torn and A Bit (Ego) Bruised
Dear Torn,
First of all, I’m sorry that the promotion didn’t work out. You don’t give any indication of how long you’ve been with your company or if you had been chosen by your previous boss as a possible successor, but in any case, it can feel hard to put yourself out there, especially in a public forum, and not have it work out. I say this first because if you haven’t done so yet, it’s important to give yourself enough space to feel and process your disappointment, and perhaps even to grieve the loss of a path that you really wanted. What I generally see in my clients is that if you haven’t allowed yourself to sit with the feelings of hurt, betrayal, sadness, or whatever this event caused you to feel, then they’re likely to leak out in ways that might hurt you in the long run.
Unprocessed emotions can look like passive-aggressive behavior, eye rolling, flattened affect (among others), basically behaviors that can get in the way of your relationship with your peers, with your new boss and even with your bosses’ boss and other company leadership.
Do This First: Write a Break-up Letter
So your first assignment is to write a “Dear John” break-up letter to your company. Tell them all the reasons you’re upset and want to “break-up.” Let them know how their decision impacted you and feel free to swear, exaggerate, and generally write in a way that would make your high school writing teacher pass out. This letter is truly just for you to get it all out from your mind and heart and onto the page.
Once you’ve finished that letter, put it away for a few days and read it over. Done? Great! Once you’ve read it over you can decide whether to put it away for longer or shred/burn it (safely of course!) Being able to look backwards and face how we really felt about our reality is a good first step to bringing you closure so you can start thinking about what’s next.
Now Decide What’s Next
After you’ve written and discarded your letter, you’re in a better headspace to process what could be next for you. You mentioned several considerations in your note, such as family, flexibility and the job market. Before making any decision, it’s important to know what your dealbreakers are, if you have any. For instance, many people say now that they would sacrifice a lot of money for flexibility (how true this is might be less certain), while for some having a path for career growth and upward mobility might be their single biggest consideration. I can’t know which priorities are “do or die” for you, but you likely have a good idea about those. Knowing if your current job comes with a dealbreaker or two might speed up your decision process and job search readiness. On the flip side, if you determine that your current job isn’t optimal but isn’t fatally flawed either, that gives you a longer runway to experiment with what staying can add to your career journey and what factors would be worthwhile enough to you in a next role, that you might take a risk to get them.
Spend More Time on Doing What Makes You Happy
Finally, and I say this as someone who’s also been bruised before, hug your kids tight when you’re home and spend time doing what makes you happy outside of work, even if it’s only a stolen 15 minutes here or there. While work might be the biggest single time intensive activity in your life, you likely have more than 60 other hours in the week (between weeknights and weekends) where you’re not working or sleeping and that’s a lot of wiggle room to fill with sweet memories, mental breaks, laughter and learning that can make the journey pretty fulfilling while you figure out what’s the next best move for you.
And feel free to keep me updated!
This is the inaugural edition of my new work advice column — Dear Dr. Jo! If you have a work issue you’d love my insight on, please email me at [email protected]
